Notes of
Concern
…Jackson Blair
…Jackson Blair
Advice for Lilibet
HRH Elizabeth II, the Queen
Buckingham Palace
London
United Kingdom
Dear Lilibet,
I have been glued to the television screen watching your
Diamond Jubilee. I know a crown gives one a great deal of power but being able
to make what has historically been a diamond year, the 75th year,
moved to a 60 year celebration is an outstanding use of that power.
You never cease to amaze me.
When one has completed 60 years of service in any job it is
time to step back and see what needs to be changed. I am sure that will be
difficult for you as tradition is such a big part of your life.
Perhaps I can offer a few suggestions.
You have always loved horses. I think you inherited this
from your mother. You both loved the races, racetracks and the breeding program
for horses.
You are getting a little old for the riding thing. That
whole sidesaddle stuff you do once a year is a little risky for an older broad.
May I respectfully suggest you stick in future years to the gilded carriages?
Time to stop riding the nags. You must be more careful not to break any bones.
Remember, one good fall from a horse and “you know who” becomes King. That
should get anyone off a sidesaddle kick and into a nice Rolls Royce.
There is another “up side” to this advice. You can wear a
lot of outrageous hats when riding in a carriage or a car. It is not so easy to
do when you are on horseback.
Speaking of head coverings, it is long past time to lose the
babushkas. Queens do not wear babushkas. Old Russian women wear babushkas. It
is entirely possible the reason you never made the “best dressed” lists is
directly due to your babushka fetish.
I also think you could avoid a lot of controversy in the
writings that will come after your passing if you just paid taxes on the
winnings from the track over the years. You just know some biographer is going
to uncover that. Let us not sully the crown that way.
While you still have your mental abilities there are two
things I would like to ask that you change. It is within your power and it
would make things more understandable to the world.
That big road in front of your major house, called The Mall,
confuses Americans and others. Everyone hurries over there from Heathrow
airport, even before checking in to the hotel, for what he or she assumes is
great shopping. They are thinking Rodeo Drive, Champs Elysee…well you get my
drift.
Not one shop!
You either have to lease out that space to high-end retail
stores or change the name of the road.
Then there is the silly practice of calling officers of the
law “Bobbies.” Good grief girl, I know you did not start that but you can stop
it. Even the French use a classy title like “gendarmes.” For many of us the
designation “bobby” brings to mind horrendous socks or pins for brassieres and
slips. I am surprised you can attract anyone to serve as policemen in your
country.
In case you haven’t been checking the stats, Labrador
Retrievers are the dogs of choice for most people in the world. Corgis do not
even make the list of the most beloved canines.
I am going to be upfront here. Your dogs are ugly. They look
like a herd of pregnant mice when they are photographed.
You need a regal dog. The noble Lab is certainly that.
You can ease your way into this. As the Corgis pass on,
bring in a Lab. Think of it this way. Every time you lose three Corgis, you
bring in one Lab. Your staff will be overjoyed. Walking a herd of Corgis, not
to mention feeding them and cleaning up after them, is a headache they would
never admit to you. With my plan, one day, you will have one-third the number
of dogs you have now.
Real dogs.
Another benefit will be that as your eyesight diminishes
with age it is much more difficult to trip over a big Lab.
Lets move on to the matter of houses.
In your case, downsizing is definitely something to be
considered. In your golden years you must not be spending every day worrying
about dozens of thatched cottages, farms, royal estates and palaces.
Go about this by setting a goal: half of them gone in the
next decade. You will still have way too many places but it is a start. Your
mother lived into her hundreds, so one could argue you have time.
I admit that you have to keep Buckingham Palace. If there were
no “Changing of the Guard” ceremonies your country would lose gazillions of
dollars from tourism. So hang on to that place. But close three-fourths of the
rooms. You can live in the other 100 rooms. This will enable you to reduce
staff also. Not to mention, the whole Corgi solution will result in less
crowded quarters. Once the Corgi problem is dealt with, please change the rugs.
Years ago you and Phil gave up the yacht, Britannia. That
was a stupid decision. No self respecting Queen should be without a yacht. Now
that you are at the top of your popularity, get another one constructed. Who
cares what it costs. How many people do you know who stay on the job 60 years?
They owe you, big time!
To recognize your sixty years of work they name a clock
tower after you. What is that all about? Tell them you want a yacht! With a
reduction in palaces and castles and dog food, you can easily afford a yacht.
Go for it!
My next recommendation is a little touchy. But it requires
your attention. Phil is getting a little “long in the tooth.” And he seems to
be spending more time in hospital than at your side. It might be necessary,
given your long-lived relatives and genetic make-up, to look for a “stand in” companion. Wealthy
women of a certain age often have “walkers” (and I am not talking here about
substitute canes).
In American lingo you are not exactly a “Cougar” but with
your income and investments and jewels you would have no trouble attracting a
nice young fellow as a companion.
With all the online dating sites, it should not be difficult
for your equerry or personal secretary to troll the Internet on your behalf and
vet all the potential candidates. At your advanced age you really don’t have to
worry about producing any more heirs, so you can deep six all the young princes
from other European families and just focus on other aspects of an appropriate
companion.
I recommend you begin with the following list of minimal
qualifications for any contender:
1.
has a body that looks great in military uniforms
and kilts;
2.
is without any sign of disease that would make
constant waving difficult;
3.
Likes balconies and has no fear of heights;
4.
Is not so chauvinistic that he minds walking a
few steps behind the “little woman;”
5.
Loves Labrador Retrievers and is not too fond of
little dogs that really wish they were cats;
6.
Knows all the words to God Save the Queen or can
lip-sync .
If you consider my suggestions, it is a good start for you.
Now that you have used up the “Diamond” thing and could well anticipate a 75
years on the throne party, I recommend you get your staff working on a Jubilee
that focuses on another gem of a substance: oil.
The Queens Oil Jubilee.
It has a nice ring to it.
At your
service,
C. Jackson
Blair
P.S. My full name would fit nicely with “Lord,” “Earl,” or
“Count” before it don’t you think?
For further information: jacksonblair@gmail.com
